MARRIED ON PURPOSE
STRESS
Everyone has experienced stress in his or her life. There are times when stress is low, and there are times when it’s high. Sometimes stress lasts so long that it feels like you can’t catch a break or even catch a breath. But stress is a reality of life. Stress affects us and alters our perspectives on problems. Because stress affects our moods, thoughts and behaviors (Repetti & Wang, 2017), it will inevitably affect how we respond and treat others. The benefits of marriage are undermined by stress and conflict (Layner & Bradbury, 2017). Stress contributes to conflict and conflict increases stress. So stress will feed itself with the struggles it creates.
This is irritating and unfortunately, practically unavoidable.
If stress and conflict are inevitable, why are we talking about it?
It’s because stress is an integral part of our lives.
Understanding stress will help us recognize when it’s affecting us or hurting our relationships. The stresses of one person will affect the couple. It requires energy to mediate stress and leaves less energy for resolving couple issues (Buck & Neff, 2012). We are not suggesting that each spouse is in charge of their partner’s stresses. Each spouse is personally responsible for their own emotions and responses. But stress on one spouse affects the couple because both partners contribute to the health and dynamics of the relationship.
Stressors
There are two types of stressors, internal and external. Internal stressors are stresses that initiate within the couple (Randall & Bodenmann, 2009). Some examples of internal stressors were touched on in previous lessons such as expectations, attachment styles and perspectives. External stressors are stressors that begin outside of the relationship but affect the couple. This includes work, other family relationships, major life events or anything that causes stress from outside to the couple (Randall & Bodenmann, 2009). This lesson will focus primarily on external stressors because those are almost always outside of a couple’s control but will affect the marriage.
HOW PEOPLE RESPOND TO STRESS
People respond differently to stress. Sometimes people respond with increased depressive symptoms (Choi & Marks, 2008). Others may distance themselves and become more irritable (Sears, Repetti, Robles, & Reynolds, 2016). Stress can affect people differently depending on their attachment style (Simpson & Rholes, 2017). Individuals with insecure attachments often distance themselves from their partner when placed in stressful situations, whereas a person with secure attachment would show an increase in affection and turning towards their partner (Simpson & Rholes, 2017).
Even happy couples have a difficult time engaging in healthy interactions when they are under stress. Spouses under stress regard their partners more negatively and give fewer positive judgements of their relationship (Buck & Neff, 2012).
There are many factors that contribute to our responses. Maybe it’s the examples set by parents or the duration of the stressor. Regardless of the factors, it is our charge to manage it. In order to cope with stress and conflict, we need to identify what kind of stress we are experiencing and how it’s affecting us. To see how an external stressor can affect marriage, read about Caitlyn’s experience with a major life event that was outside her control.
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One of the most stressful times in my life was when my daughter was born. I am sure most parents feel stressed going from two to three and having to learn how to adjust to that. We had some additional complications as our daughter was born early with some complications and had to spend some time in the NICU.
I am not one to handle stress well.
But I was able to handle the stress of this situation very well because instead of turning inwards my husband and I both turned towards each other and supported each other through this time of life. We spent a
lot of time talking and receiving support
Caitlyn's Story
from our family and close friends. This was one of those stressful events that most people don’t plan for, but that is how life goes. Stress and conflicts will come at any time in life.
Tanner and I would spend a few hours together in the NICU each day, after he got out of work. It was hard for me to be there alone, so I really appreciated him coming and talking with me in there so I could have some distractions from the monitors beeping in the background. A big part of our coping process was watching funny TV shows on Netflix. Having some comical relief and time to unwind together was a huge part of our coping process, even if it wasn’t the most productive thing to do. Another thing that Tanner and I did during this period in time is we went and saw so many movies at the movie theater. It was definitely hard having our daughter in the NICU, but we both love movies a lot so we utilized that time and went on a lot of dates.
We both still had some time to cope how we wanted. My husband would play basketball, and I would spend some time alone watching a show, or talking to family on the phone. But for the most part we spent that time in our life figuring out how to handle the situation we had at hand together.
We spent a lot of time together and I really felt that Lillian’s birth experience was something that brought us together because we both realized how important it was to take care of each other during this time of life. We had a lot of help from family and friends that allowed us to spend the time we needed together to figure out at first month of having a baby in the NICU. Our relationship grew so much because of that experience that we shared.
Caitlyn and her husband did not intentionally invite stress into their lives, but it came anyway. The shift to parenthood is difficult and starting out in the NICU would put any couple in a vulnerable place. Caitlyn recognized that she did not respond well to stress. She was tempted to turn away but chose to turn towards her spouse. We can see that she still sought alone time while her husband sought social and physical activities. What do you think would have happened if Caitlyn expected her spouse to respond the way she did? They took the time to talk together and support each other. Then they took the time to do things individually to process the situation. Like Caitlyn and her husband, each person is primarily responsible for how they process and cope with stressors.
HOW TO RESPOND TO STRESS
Stressors are unavoidable but we can control how we respond. Here are the steps to take.
First, identify the primary stressor.
Define the catalyst stressor or the primary stressor. This involves answering the question: Where did the stressor come from? If it’s a perspective, attitude or belief, it’s internal. If it’s a job, major life event or the environment, it’s external.
Let’s practice with Caitlyn’s story. The catalyst was her daughter’s health problems. This means the stressor was external as it was unexpected and outside the couple’s control. Externally, there were doctors and hospitals and serious health concerns. Caitlyn and her husband had to clearly plan out what to do to resolve the external problem. Now look closer to see what was happening internally. Perhaps Caitlyn and her husband were feeling disappointed and sad. They were likely scared and felt out of control. Recognizing the primary stressor helps us better identify the other stressor’s affects. Most of the time, both external and internal stressors are present. So figure out what they are and how it’s affecting you.
Second, recognize how you cope with stress.
Do you distance yourself or come closer? Do you like to be active or are you inactive? What do you normally do to manage stress? Then identify how your spouse manages stress. Looking at Caitlyn’s story, we can see she wanted to spend time alone watching television. Her husband wanted to get out, be active and play sports. Recognizing each person’s style will help prevent misunderstandings during highly stressful times.
Third, make a plan to mediate the stressors.
Internal stressors require appropriate resources to resolve them. Caitlyn and her husband leaned on each other, talked together and talked with family. Some couples may need additional help such as education through a couple’s workshop, clinically based self-help books, a counselor or other research-based resources, like Married On Purpose. Please note that chronic stress or stressors that involve upsetting experiences often require professional intervention. We urge you to seek out the best and most appropriate resources for your situation.
If you’re looking to resolve external stressors, here are five ways to mediate stress (Source: Identify your stress triggers).
5 ways to mediate stress
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Lifestyle Factors including diet, exercise and sleep
Exercise and healthy eating contribute to a person’s wellbeing and provides energy for dealing with stressful situations (Source: Physical Activity Reduces Stress). And even one night of poor sleep can affect someone’s mood and judgement (Source: Division of Sleep Medicine). Take care of your body so you can have the energy you need to deal with stress.
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Laughter as medicine
Humor has been shown to increase relationship satisfaction and reduce stress (Hampes, 2001).
Here’s an example of humor reducing stress. In the clip below, we see that Michael was stressed about moving away from his hometown. He feared what his new life would be and all the changes he would have to make. Moving was the external stressor and his fears are internal stressors. When he calls his fiancé, Holly, she jokes around with Michael and this helped him relieve some of that stress. This helped Michael to calm down. This experience did not change the fact that he was moving (external stressor) but it helped alleviate his fears (internal stressor).
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Say what you need
If you need time alone to process information, let your spouse know. If you need to be held and comforted, let your spouse know. Sharing what you need is a vulnerable experience that promotes greater intimacy and caring feelings towards your partner (Cloud, 1992, p103). This experience also allows you to take responsibility for what you are feeling and gives appropriate space to process it (Cloud, 1992, p103). Spouses can’t always give everything you need but speaking up allows our needs to be acknowledged and provides an opportunity to grow closer.
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Say, “No” to extra commitments
When you don’t have enough energy for your current commitments, scale back on what you commit to. Saying “no” to one activity gives you energy for another, more important activity (Source: Stress relief).
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Ask for Help
People tend to underestimate how much others are willing to help. This leaves people who need help feeling unable to ask for it (Flynn & Lake, 2008). Asking for help acknowledges a need and gives access to resources to solve problems. It gives us different perspectives and insights into situations. When we ask for help, we may find people are more willing to help than we realize.
Final step, focus.
Final step and perhaps it’s the hardest: when we can’t control what’s happening around us, focus on what we can control. We will be bombarded with stressors throughout our life. Knowing our limitation to control stressful situations helps keep our perspective clear. Our goal is to get through the stress in a healthy way. Focusing on what is in our control helps us to overcome problems in effective and productive ways (Morin, 2017). Managing our own stress and taking charge of our responses creates greater understanding in relationships (Cloud, 1992, p103).
When it comes to stress, it’s not enough to know what affects you. You must have energy to implement healthy responses and habits
(Karney, 2010). These tips will help you save your energy for those areas that require the most management and care. To remember them, we’ve created a printable to be a reminder of what we can do.
We hope this lesson inspired you to look at your stressors, determine where they come from, and what you can do to help reduce their effects on your marriage.
Important: In order for us to further improve our lessons we would love your feedback. Please follow this link and complete this short assessment on the lesson. We would love your help! Thank you and see you next week!
References
Buck, A. A., & Neff, L. A. (2012). Stress spillover in early marriage: The role of self-regulatory depletion. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(5), 698-708. http://dx.doi.org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/a0029260
Choi, H., & Marks, N. F. (2008). Marital Conflict, Depressive Symptoms, and Functional Impairment. Journal of Marriage and Family, 70(2), 377–390. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2008.00488.x
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life. Ebook edition. Grand Rapids, Michigan. Zondervan Publishing.
Division of Sleep Medicine at Harvard Medical School and WGBH Educational Foundation. (n.d.). Consequences of insufficient sleep. Healthy Sleep. Retrieved from http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/healthy/matters/consequences.
Flynn, F. & Lake, Vanessa. (2008). If you need help, just ask: Underestimating compliance with direct requests for help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95, 128-143.
Hampes, W. P. (2001). Relation between Humor and Empathic Concern. Psychological Reports, 88(1), 241–244. https://doi.org/10.2466/pr0.2001.88.1.241
Identify your stress triggers. (2016, April 28). Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-management/art-20044151
Lavner, J. A., & Bradbury, T. N. (2017). Protecting relationships from stress. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 11–14. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.003
Mazzarotto, J. (2018, September 10). How positive emotions affect stress through Michael Scott Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvqlz5JSL0M
Morin, A. (2017, May 9). How to Stop Worrying About Things You Can't Change. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201705/how-stop-worrying-about-things-you-cant-change
Physical Activity Reduces Stress. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/stress/physical-activity-reduces-st
Randall, A. K., & Bodenmann, G. (2017). Stress and its associations with relationship satisfaction. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 96–106. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.05.010
Repetti, R., & Wang, S. (2017). Effects of job stress on family relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 15–18. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.010
Sears, M. S., Repetti, R. L., Robles, T. F., & Reynolds, B. M. (2016). I just want to be left alone: Daily overload and marital behavior. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(5), 569-579. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/fam0000197
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
Stress relief: When and how to say no. (2016, April 23). Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relief/art-20044494