MARRIED ON PURPOSE
MONEY
Dreaming about married life can leave out a few key realities that later become prominent points of conversation. Sometimes we think we will never argue with our spouse because we didn’t do that before we got married. It’s not until couples pass through the veil of wedded bliss and enter the marriage experience that reality
sets in and takes hold of conversations.
This means couples will fight.
There are a few topics that couples consistently argue about.
One common topic is money.
Couples argue on average three times a month about finances (LearnVest, 2012). Many people believe that arguing about money predicts divorce. While divorce is slightly linked to newlywed couples who fight about money (Britt & Huston, 2012), it’s not the arguing itself that predicts divorce. Research shows arguing about money lowers marital quality (Britt & Huston, 2012) and this quality reduction is linked to divorce. Couples who don’t fight about money have higher marital quality and satisfaction (Britt & Huston, 2012). Based on these findings, our goal today is to talk about why the quality goes down and what can be done about it.
What Lowers
Marriage Quality
Financial disagreements can lead to a lot of conflict within the home. At least 70% of couples fight about money (Kriebs, 2015). When couples fight over finances, those arguments are more intense and ongoing than other topics (Papp, Cummings, & Goeke-Morey, 2009). Compared to other topics, arguments about money were usually left unsolved (Papp, Cummings, & Goeke-Morey, 2009). Having unresolved conflicts reduces marital stability. Not only will couples likely face this same argument again in the future, it leaves the door open to other related arguments.
Why are financial arguments so invasive and often unresolved? It’s because financial arguments are about more than just money. Each spouse has different personal experiences and outlooks on money (Benson, 2016). It is difficult to understand each person’s financial beliefs. That’s because each person’s point of view is based on years of experience and modelling of how different people handled finances throughout their life (Benson, 2016).
Understanding why each person has their own beliefs and values on finances is a lot to take in but it is worth the investment! When couples discuss money early in the relationship, this creates a greater understanding of each person’s view. This can help prevent disagreements and couples can come together to create a cohesive belief system (Kriebs, 2015).
Spenders & Savers
How we like to use money is a demonstration of our beliefs and values. Most people would categorize themselves into one of two categories: a spender or a saver. Atwood (2012) found in his study that most people will marry someone whose money views are the opposite of themselves. This means that if you are spender, it’s likely your spouse is a saver and visa-versa. When you have different views on money this can lead to more arguments because you are not on the same page (Kriebs, 2015). This undermines the couple’s purpose and abilities to come together. In the video clip below, you will see how Caitlyn and her husband manage their differences in spending habits.
Can spenders and savers work together? Absolutely! Caitlyn and her husband had different ideas about what to do with money. They learned to come together and make allowances for one another, financially and mentally! Both spenders and savers have valuable views that can contribute to the couple’s financial belief system. Savers equate money with security, so their money goals are typically based on safety and long-term planning. Spenders tend to be generous with themselves and others, so their money goals tend to be more charitable (Vasel, 2018). Our views may differ from our spouse like Caitlyn and her husband. But as we build our financial belief system, we benefit from having each perspective contribute. The key is to balance the couple’s goals with resources.
How to Come Together
Which one are you: a spender or a saver? Is your spouse the opposite? To come together to create a balanced financial plan, we offer the following pointers and steps.
ACCEPT THAT DISAGREEMENTS WILL HAPPEN
Some couples fight more, some fight less. Some fighting is normal. What’s not normal is when couples avoid the money topic altogether. Don’t avoid the hard stuff. Tackle it together!
BE HONEST ABOUT FINANCES
Being honest means avoiding secrecy. Half of all spouses have kept money secrets from their partners (LearnVest, 2012). Keeping secrets about money will only escalate problems and undermine the couple’s goals. It also decreases marital quality.
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HAVE THE CONVERSATION
To create an open and honest environment, we recommend couples sit down and discuss the following questions.
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Am I a spender or a saver? Why is that style important to me?
-Honestly consider what your money style is and why you like it. Is it working for you?
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In what ways can we balance our money styles into one financial system?
-Try to think of ways that honor each person’s style so both contribute to the goals and allows the finances to function properly.
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What are our debts? (Hogue, 2018 for Questions 3-7)
-80% of American’s have debt (DiGangi, 2015). If you fall within this category, we strongly recommend Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps (Click HERE for info)
and his book The Total Money Makeover. The authors can personally attest that decreasing debt reduces the amount of money conflicts in marriage.
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What is the most each of us can spend without talking to the other?
-Remember Caitlyn and her husband established their cap! What’s your number?
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What are our savings goals and what do we want retirement to look like?
-Having this perspective helps you create long-term goals
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How much should we save to reach our savings goals?
-Knowing how much to save for your goals allows steps to be made to get there.
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Who is in charge of the family financial planning?
-Maybe split the jobs so one person is in charge of long-term goals while the other is in charge of day-to-day bills and tasks. This is simply who takes care of these things, NOT who is in “charge” of them. You are still both “in charge” of these areas.
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When should we have our “Money Date”? (Vasel, 2018)
-Make a consistent appointment to talk about finances together. Pick a day and stick to it so you can verify that actions correspond with goals. Talking often will reduce tension around this sensitive subject.
To help you remember these questions, we’ve created a printable!
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Can you tell we enjoy worksheets and printables?! They are good reminders of important topics. Ideally, these questions are discussed before or early in marriage. But all couples would benefit from having a “Money Date” to build a cooperative financial plan.
Even though money can be an incredibly stressful subject, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Talk to one another and come together on beliefs and understandings. You will be amazed at how far your money will go and how much easier it is to reach goals when the couples decide together on what the goals should be and how to get there. With practice, finances can be a source of building marital quality and become a fun topic to discuss. YES! We said fun! We wish you luck and see you next week.
IMPORTANT: In order for us to further improve our lessons we would love your feedback. Please follow this link and complete this short assessment on the lesson. We would love your help! Thank you and see you next week!
ADDITIONAL WORKSHEETS
For those couples looking for budgeting ideas, we offer the following methods to create and maintain financial boundaries.
1. Monthly Cash Flow Plan. This is a “0 balance budget” which means every dollar is placed and used in some way. The budget at the end of each month should always total $0. Recommended via Dave Ramsey.
2. Budgeting Worksheet. This is an all-purpose budgeting worksheet which includes sections at the top for savings, goals, income and other details. From AMomsTake.com
References
Atwood, J. D. (2012). Couples and money: The last taboo. American Journal of Family Therapy, 40(1), 1-19. doi:10.1080/01926187.2011.600674
Benson, K. (2016, August 15). Arguments About Money Aren't About Money. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/arguments-money-arent-money/
Britt, S. L., & Huston, S. J. (2012). The role of money arguments in marriage. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 33(4), 464-476. doi: https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s10834-012-9304-5
Burgoyne, C. B., Clarke, V., Reibstein, J., & Edmunds, A. (2006). ‘All my worldly goods I share with you’? Managing money at the transition to heterosexual marriage. Sociological Review, 54(4), 619-637. doi:10.1111/j.1467-954X.2006.00663.x
DiGangi, C. (2015, August 3). A whopping 80 percent of Americans are in debt. Retrieved from https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/money/a-whopping-80-percent-of-americans-are-in-debt/ar-BBllyhK
Hogue, J. (2018, March 7). 9 Money Questions Every Marriage Needs. Retrieved from https://peerfinance101.com/money-questions-couples/
Kriebs, A. (2015, June 02). How to Budget as a Couple Without Someone Ending Up in the Doghouse. Retrieved from https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/smart-money/how-to-budget-as-a-couple/
Lauer, S. R., & Yodanis, C. (2011). Individualized marriage and the integration of resources. Journal of Marriage and Family, 73(3), 669-683. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?
url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=eric&AN=EJ929160&site=eds-live; http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2011.00836.x
LearnVest. (2012, December 01). I'm A Spender, My Husband's A Saver: How We Make It Work. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2012/11/30/im-a-spender-my-husbands-a-saver-how-we-make-it-work/#1037028043a3
Papp, L. M., Cummings, E. M., & Geoke-Morey, M. C. (2009). For richer, for poorer: Money as a topic of marital conflict in the home. (2009). Family Relations, 58(1), 91-103. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00537.x
Ramsey, D. (n.d.). Dave Ramsey's 7 Baby Steps. Retrieved from https://www.daveramsey.com/baby-steps
Vasel, K. (2018, May 10). You're a saver, but you married a spender. Retrieved from https://money.cnn.com/2018/05/10/pf/spender-saver-money-personalities/index.html