MARRIED ON PURPOSE
EXTENDED FAMILY
Ah Marriage.
When two people love each other so much, they commit to a lifetime of togetherness. Marriage is truly about the union of two souls coming together as one.
Most people would probably agree with this vision of marriage. But marriage is much bigger than two people coming together. It’s about a couple and their families coming together as one.
Let’s take a second to explore this. Couples spend a
lot of time together. They spend so much time together
that they decide to get married! What a wonderful decision! But how long did the couple take to come to that decision? Families are not afforded that same opportunity.
Families have not gotten to know, warm up to or adjust nearly as much as the couple has. So, expecting families to get along or understand one another because now they have
a marital tie is unrealistic. But this is a
completely normal adjustment!
Forming a relationship takes time and practice. Couples must adjust their expectations (see lesson 1) & so do their families!
Parent-child Relationship
for Newlyweds
Marriage changes the parent-child relationship. After marriage, children’s view of parental relationships is considered more “voluntary” (Sarkisian and Gerstel 2008, p373). One study showed how contact with parents dropped after children marry. Over an average month, 80% of unmarried children called their parents versus 60% of married children (Gerstel and Sarkisian 2006, p17). This makes sense since married children are now spending more time with their partner. But parents and children are not always prepared for this shift.
These adjustments can cause misunderstandings. Parents may perceive married children as forgetting about or neglecting parental ties. Children are placed in positions of competing loyalties (Hall and Adams 2011, p11). Wives are twice as likely to experience problems between parents and spouse. Most problems with in-laws involved the wife’s parents (Hall and Adams 2011, p11). Parents also adjust in how they treat adult children. Children in their early to late 20s perceived receiving more advice from parents. There is also a decrease of support by the time children enter their 30s (Cooney and Uhlenberg, 1992).
It’s not all bad news! Parents can also be a good influence on marriage!
While the parent-child relationship becomes less prominent, support from parents is related to closeness in the children’s marriage (Reczek, Liu, and Umberson, 2010, p 1216). Married children who focus on their partner when resolving problems rather than a third-party leads to greater fondness and intimacy for the couple (Jensen and Rauer 2014, p462). This also prevents others from influencing the emotions of the situation (Eaton and Sanders 2011, p625).
Regardless of whether the changes are positive or negative, changes are required! Sometimes these adjustments take couples by surprise. Read Megan's story to see an example of competing loyalties.
Read Megan's Story
Soon after I was married, I realized that parents and spouses can see things differently. My parents came to visit during our first Christmas. My husband, Caleb, and I were renting an apartment and my dad noticed that our front door lock was flimsy. It was one of those doorknobs you would find on a bedroom door but not a front door. My dad thought it was unsafe, so he asked if he could replace it for me. Sure dad! Free labor is great! He went to Caleb’s work to drop off the new house key. Caleb was surprised by the visit and he came home frustrated with me. Why did my dad change the key to our house? Why didn’t I think to ask my husband to do it? Why didn’t I ask my husband if this was okay? In this moment, my husband felt like I had relied on my dad more than him. And I was left with a frustrated husband and confused parents. I was shocked that something so simple could cause problems.
Experiences like this one are bound to happen in every marriage. As a new married couple, it is important to understand the boundaries between being your own couple and being part of an extended family. This balance will help you maintain healthy relationships with everyone involved. As much as you may think that marriage is only about the two of you, the truth is that you are tying together two families through your union.
There is a lot of learning that must happen for you as a couple and for the new in-laws. Take a look at this clip to see another example of competing loyalties.
There are a few observations we want to make about this clip. First, Ray feels pressured from his mom to make a specific choice. Parents may have ideas of what their children ought to do, even in adulthood. Children need to decide for themselves what is best. Second, notice in the video that Ray is focusing on Marie during the conversation and not his wife Debra. Sometimes we might lose focus and forget to include our spouse in important matters. When we feel stressed or pressured, we should turn towards our spouse to seek perspective. Third, Debra tried to intervene and say “Marie, I don’t think this is really the time”. If our spouse speaks up, we need to pay attention. Finally, Ray makes a choice to appease his mother and make the situation go away. But we can see that the problem does not go away. It has created a new problem between Ray and Debra. We hope that extended family does not pressure you like what we saw illustrated in the clip. The point is that decisions that affect both the husband and wife should be made by both parties.
How to Create Balance
Don’t let what happened to Ray happen to you! To create a healthy balance between extended family and your spouse, here are the steps to take.
FIRST, PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST.
Once married, you need to put your spouse first. With extended family, friends or anything else that tries to take their place, your spouse should be number one. As time goes by, the impact of in-laws does fade as couples learn to come together and become more reliant on one another (Reczek, Liu, and Umberson, 2010). This does not mean that extended family should be ostracized. But it does mean making your spouse your priority. Remember these wise words:
“Choose your love, love your choice” (Monson, 2011).
SECOND, SET BOUNDARIES TOGETHER.
With extended family or anything competing for your attention over your spouse, boundaries are essential! Boundaries are lines that determine how much others affect you (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p24, 48). Boundaries prevent you from making decisions based on the feelings, whims, and pressures of others (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p104-105, 110). You use them to create trust which leads to a greater sense of intimacy in relationships (Cloud & Townsend, 1992,
p111, Miller, 2011).
Talk to your spouse about what’s important to you. Each couple will have specific topics they will want to address. Maybe family traditions or how frequently family members pop over will be important. We recommend including these items in the conversation.
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Decide how much time you will spend with extended family BEFORE you get married or early in marriage.
Examples include: How many vacations do we want to do with family? How often can they come over? Do we do weekly dinners, or monthly dinners with them (if you live nearby)? How do we spend holidays? -
Decide how much help extended family can give.
Are parents allowed to help us with household projects? Can we ask them for advice without giving our spouse a heads-up? Can we borrow money from them? -
Be direct and talk with your family about what you’ve decided.Here's
A helpful worksheet
that offers ideas on how to share your boundaries with others and how to say “no”.
THIRD, BE POSITIVE AND LOVING.
Boundaries can be difficult to establish. Parents or others may feel hurt because they are no longer the priority. Disagreements will happen. Be patient. If you take the time to keep in touch with parents and extended family, these interactions will positively reinforce the relationship. If there are disagreements or feelings get hurt, talk to each other. Remember to communicate with your spouse and family by Listening with Openness, Validation and Encourage one another. This is what we call, “Speaking with L.O.V.E.". Click HERE for a printable outlining the steps!
FOURTH, SUPPORT EACH OTHER.
Never talk poorly about your spouse to your parents and don’t allow them to talk poorly of your spouse (Leaving your parents, 2018). If they say something, speak up and be direct about what is appropriate around you (a great opportunity to practice boundaries!).
FINALLY, BE AWARE OF HOT TOPICS.
Some of the subjects will be touchy or emotionally charged. It’s entirely possible that you and your spouse will disagree. If disagreements are heated, take a break and try again later. If you’re still at odds, try a compromise such as alternating family holidays. Maybe you can try splitting the difference such as one person visiting their parents on their own
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Important!
If you still find it’s hard to balance family ties with a spousal relationship, we strongly urge you to read lesson 3 on attachment. This will go deeper into how we view relationships and how much our parental relationships truly shape our current relationships. Stay tuned!
Think back to Megan’s story. Here's how it ended.
"I was totally surprised and confused by the whole situation between my dad and husband. I honestly thought it was silly to get upset over a doorknob. But it wasn’t really about the doorknob. It was about the lack of communication with Caleb. I honestly hadn’t considered what Caleb thought about the situation. I just made the decision without him. After talking with my husband, he shared how he was feeling. He felt like I had left him out and that I couldn’t rely on him. For that, I was sorry and apologized for it. Later, my husband expressed gratitude that my dad would be so thoughtful in trying to help us. Because we talked to each other, we could figure out a good balance between couple and parents."
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Having a healthy relationship with your extended family can help strengthen and bring added support to your marriage. Through better relationships with extended family, married couples can expect to feel more capable of tackling stressful life changes and handle them successfully (Reczek, Lui, and Umberson, 2010).
Important: In order for us to further improve our lessons we would love your feedback. Please follow this link and complete this short assessment on the lesson. We would love your help!
Thank you and see you next week!
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References
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Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life. Ebook edition. Grand Rapids, Michigan. Zondervan Publishing.
Burrell, M. “Everybody Loves Raymond Fight between Ray and Debra.” YouTube, YouTube, 26 Feb. 2019, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4PpZSeh1hY
Eaton, J., & Sanders, C. B. (2012). A little help from our friends: Informal third parties and interpersonal conflict. Personal Relationships, 19(4), 623-643. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01381.x
Gerstel, N., & Sarkisian, N. (2006). Marriage: The good, the bad, and the greedy. Contexts: Understanding People in their Social Worlds, 5(4), 16. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edb&AN=23681355&site=eds-live
Hall, S. S., & Adams, R. (2011). Newlyweds' unexpected adjustments to marriage. Family & Consumer Sciences Research Journal, 39(4), 375. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edb&AN=66596102&site=eds-live
Jensen, J. F., & Rauer, A. J. (2014). Turning inward versus outward: Relationship work in young adults and romantic functioning. Personal Relationships, 21(3), 451-467. doi:10.1111/pere.12042
Leaving your parents the balancing act. (2018, April 08). Retrieved from https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/getting-married/newlyweds/leaving-your-parents-the-balancing-act/
Monson, T. S. (2011, May). Priesthood power. Ensign, 41(5), 68
Reczek, C., Liu, H., & Umberson, D. (2010). Just the two of us? how parents influence adult children's marital quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(5), 1205. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edsjsr&AN=edsjsr.40865604&site=eds-live
Sarkisian, N., & Gerstel, N. (2008). Till marriage do us part: Adult children's relationships with their parents. Journal of Marriage and Family, 70(2), 360. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edsjsr&AN=edsjsr.40056280&site=eds-live