MARRIED ON PURPOSE
ATTACHMENT IN MARRIAGE
When we connect with others, we feel like we belong. Everyone wants this feeling. Belonging is a basic human need across all cultures and people. In a marriage, connection and belonging seem inevitable. But having
a secure, emotional attachment is not certain.
How attached we feel to our spouse depends on
our upbringing, our habits, and perspectives.
Let’s talk about attachment. Attachment is a strong emotional connection to those we feel closest to (Johnson, 2003). It’s a bond based on trust and security (Campbell & Stanton, 2019). As adults, attachment is the closeness and security we feel from relationships. Our habits, beliefs and expectations for relationships are patterned after our very first relationship: the parent/child bond. (Simpson & Rholes, 2017). The parent/child relationship is the first relationship of life so what we see and experience there sets the pattern for future relationships.
The way we feel attached is called an attachment style. There are many different attachment combinations. The main styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Take a second to look at the graphic and see the difference in styles.
(What’s your attachment style, n.d.)
Maybe you are wondering why we are talking about this. Didn’t
we just spend the last lesson getting parents OUT of marriage just to
bring them up again? It’s true that physically, we can separate ourselves from family members. But emotionally, our parents or caregivers ingrained a perspective of what relationships are and what they’re supposed to be. This goes way beyond expectations. This is what we believe about relationships. Do we believe we are safe and we can trust others? Or do we believe something else?
You are probably curious what kind of attachment style YOU are. Take a few minutes to follow the link to an attachment quiz.
The site gives you two survey options. Survey A requires an email and takes 10 minutes. Survey B does not require an email and takes 4 minutes. Both will offer an overview of your attachment style. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers. This is just to
provide you with information. Go ahead and take the quiz.
Now that you know your attachment style,
look for your style from this list and see if it sounds like you.
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991)(What’s your attachment style?, n.d.)
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Knowing yours and your spouse’s attachment style can bring greater understanding to your relationship. About 60% of people have secure styles and 40% have insecure styles, meaning one of the other styles (What’s your attachment style, n.d.). Attachment styles affect how conflicts are perceived and resolved. Securely attached spouses will often consider both theirs and their partners views when problem solving. Those who are insecurely attached, either anxious or avoidant, tend to oblige their partner for the sake of relationship maintenance (Fincham, n.d.). Those with anxious attachment styles tend to be more sensitive to perceived rejection cues while those with avoidant attachment fear becoming too close to their partners (Li & Chan, 2012).
Going into marriage we all have improvements to make. For some people, maybe an improvement could be attachment style. If you have an insecure style, please don’t feel like you are the “weak link” in the relationship. Everyone has things they struggle with. Attachments styles can change (Hopper, 2017). Watch this video about how Megan’s attachment style changed after marriage.
In the video clip above, we saw how Megan recognized the need to change quickly. It was not an easy process, but she was able to improve. This greatly improved her marriage quality. It also changed how close she felt in other relationships too. If you feel that you have an insecure attachment to your partner too, don’t start to get down on yourself! You are not alone! About 40% of people have an insecure attachment; 20% of people have avoidant attachment and the other 20% have anxious attachment
(Firestone, n.d.).
People with insecure attachments face additional obstacles in marriage. Those who have either avoidant or anxious attachment styles often have a hard time within their relationship with their partner because there are so many frequent highs and lows in their relationships (Firestone, n.d.). It is hard for people with insecure attachments to feel that they are on the same page with their partner (Firestone, n.d.)
HOW TO CHANGE
There is hope in gaining a more secure attachment to your partner. There are exercises out there that are meant to help couples develop more secure attachments. Some things you can do to learn how to gain a better, more secure attachment in your marriage is by engaging activities that are meant to strengthen intimacy and closeness as a couple (Hopper, 2017). One activity you can do with your spouse is to respond to questions about yourselves and spend more time getting to know each other better (Hopper, 2017). Some questions you can ask your spouse are:
-
If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go,
and for how long? -
What is your favorite vacation from childhood?
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What are you most proud of accomplishing in life so far?
Asking questions like the ones above are great ways to continue to get to know your spouse and create a healthier attachment in your relationship. For more questions, use the printable link.
Another way to increase this bond is to do some shared couples’ activities. Shared activities, such as couple’s yoga, have been proven to lower avoidant attachment in individuals who struggle with that form of attachment (Hopper, 2017). Date nights are also a great, and sometimes forgotten method to bring more security to the relationship. Focusing on having a consistent and thoughtful date night each week can lead to more feelings of security in marriage (Bennett, Davari, Perales, Perales, Sumner, Gill, & Mak, 2016).
Even if you have an insecure attachment, you can work towards a more secure attachment to your spouse. There is hope to change! Whether you take part in one of the above activities or just have a greater awareness of attachment style, we sincerely hope this helps you create greater, more secure connections to your loved ones!
Important: In order for us to further improve our lessons we would love your feedback. Please follow this link and complete this short assessment on the lesson. We would love your help!
Thank you and see you next week!
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References
Attachment styles and close relationships. (n.d.) Retrieved from http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61, 226-244.
Bennett, E. D., Davari, J., Perales, J., Perales, A., Summer, B., Gill, G., & Mak, T. W. (2016). Five counseling techniques for increasing attachment, intimacy and sexual functioning in couples. American Counseling Association Vistas Online, 13, 1-16. Retrieved from https://www.counseling.org/knowledge-center/vistas/by-year2/vistas-2016/docs/default-source/vistas/article_13d3bf24f16116603abcacff0000bee5e7
Campbell, L., Stanton, S. (2019). Adult attachment and trust in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 148-151. https://doiorg.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.08.004
Feeney, J. A., & Karantzas, G. C. (2017). Couple conflict: insights from an attachment perspective. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 60–64. https://doi.org/10.1016 /j.copsyc.2016.04.017
Fincham, F. D. (n.d.). Marital Conflict: Correlates, Structure, and Context. Retrieved from https://www.psychologicalscience.org/journals/cd/12_1/Fincham.cfm
Firestone, L. (n.d.). How your attachment style impacts your relationship.
Hopper, E. (2017, September 19). Can You Cultivate a More Secure Attachment Style? Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment _style
Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E. (Eds.). (2003). Attachment processes in couple and family therapy. Retrieved from https://ebookcentral.proquest.com
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. Https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
Li, T., & Chan, D. K.-S. (2012). How anxious and avoidant attachment affect romantic relationship quality differently: A meta-analytic review: Adult attachment and relationship quality. European Journal of Social Psychology, 42(4), 406–419. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.1842
What’s your attachment style? (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.mentalmint.com/mental-health- information-tips-tools-techniques/attachment-styles/’