MARRIED ON PURPOSE
INTIMACY
Due to the nature of the subject matter, we offer this Disclaimer:
1. We are seeking to share the information in a respectful and appropriate way. We hope that comes across through the lesson.
2. For the sake of respectful language in writing and sharing via the internet, when we refer to “intimacy” in this lesson, we are referring to the physical act of sex, not the dual meaning of emotional closeness.
3. We encourage and invite readers with specific problems to address appropriate professionals. We are here to describe preventative ideas, not solutions to crisis.
The Married On Purpose Curriculum has focused on differences between spouses. This lesson is no different. There are vast differences between men and women in terms of perceptions, expectations and responses to intimacy. Our intention with this lesson is to discuss the ideas that contribute to intimacy and teach how you can come closer to your spouse.
Some couples assume that the number of times intimacy occurs is a barometer for marital health. While it’s true that lower levels of intimacy are associated with higher risks of divorce and relationship dissolution (Karney & Bradbury 1995), intimacy is a dynamic and complex part of the marriage relationship. There is no magic number that will protect a couple from the responsibility of working together to balance intimacy. Rather than focus on the quantity (the average being twice a week, Borelli 2017), we want to focus on how spouses communicate through intimate acts.
Intimacy and emotional connection are related concepts that contribute to the marriage relationship (Yoo, Bartle-Haring, Day, & Gangamma 2014). Many studies have shown that emotionally connected couples feel closer when they are intimate (Greeff & Malherbe, 2001; Štulhofer, Ferreira, & Landripet, 2014). While emotional connection does not guarantee great intimacy (Yoo, Bartle-Haring, Day, & Gangamma 2014), it is related to a greater desire to be intimate and overall satisfaction (Štulhofer, Ferreira, & Landripet, 2014).
Intimacy is affected by how connected we feel to others. Think back to the lesson on attachment and see how it affects intimacy. Spouses with insecure attachment worry about rejection and feeling deserted or focus on the performance rather than enjoyment. This leads to being emotionally detached during intimacy (Johnson, 2019). This undermines intimacy’s purpose as it is linked to bonding. This bond leads to a secure, loving attachment and securely bonded couples report having more and better intimacy (Johnson, 2019).
men & women are different
Both men and women have different ideas about intimacy. Men often consider intimacy as a tool for increasing their emotional connection. In contrast, women often pursue the emotional connection as a tool for increasing satisfaction in intimacy (Yoo, Bartle-Haring, Day, & Gangamma 2014). Even though these purposes sound similar, they are different and can cause misunderstandings. Another difference between spouses is how emotional connection is expressed. Women see emotional closeness as expressing tender feelings, interdependence, sharing emotions easily and concern for the other’s distress (Boden, Fischer & Niehuis, 2010). Men express emotional closeness through actions such as helping their spouse or doing activities together (Boden, Fischer & Niehuis, 2010). This distinction is important because emotional connection and skills affect the intimacy process (Cordova, Gee & Warren, 2005).
We have a personal story that was shared with the authors. It demonstrates how having different perspectives affects the function of intimacy. Don’t worry! It’s respectful and appropriate. Take some time to read it now.
Intimacy has been a difficult topic for us. Between being pregnant and all the body changes involved, intimacy rarely felt settled. It was always okay but only felt solid for a short time before something would come up to disrupt the balance. Even though we talked openly and often about intimacy, it was difficult to talk about because it’s so personal for my husband and I and puts us in a vulnerable place. It was years into our marriage when, during one of our conversations, I tried to explain to my husband why intimacy was difficult for me. I said something like this.
“I feel like intimacy is like making a cake. I’m working hard to bake this cake, the frosting and trying to make it look special. I’m trying to make it into the most beautiful cake I can. Even though it’s not perfect, I’m so excited to share it with the person I care about the most. But then I try to share this imperfect, but special cake. And I hear these comments like maybe we should try a different flavor sometime, or I could try doing this differently or try a totally different recipe. But I only know how to make one kind of cake. I feel hurt and sad and disappointed. And then I start to wonder if I even want to share this cake with someone who wants something else. So why should I even try to make it special? I’m just a stupid person who can only make one kind of cake that my husband doesn’t even want.“
I was crying. I was stuck and didn’t know what to do. At this moment, my husband waited for me. Then he said something like this.
“Honey, thank you for sharing that with me. I can see you are hurt and sad because you keep making this cake to share with someone who just asks for something different. It sounds like you feel rejected by this person you are supposed to trust and rely on. I am so sorry you are feeling so hurt by this.
Can I share something with you? If I could borrow your analogy of a cake, I never thought of you as baking all by yourself in the kitchen just to present something beautiful to me. I always imagined us being in the kitchen together. We would pick out a recipe and maybe you would work on one part while I work on another. Of course, we can have our favorite recipes that we rely on and always enjoy. And sometimes, we can enjoy trying something new so we can find more favorite recipes. But you aren’t baking alone. We are baking together, side by side, to create something beautiful and wonderful that only we share with each other. And it’s even more beautiful because it was done together. What do you think of that analogy?”
I had never in my life imagined intimacy like this. It totally changed my perspective of what intimacy was about and what it was for. It was about connecting and relying on each other. I can honestly say that in this moment, we turned a corner and I have never felt more balanced, safe and peaceful about this part of our relationship.
This true story is an example of how different perspectives can affect this personal part of a couple’s relationship. It’s a great demonstration of learning to understand one another and to build a loving bond. To enhance our feelings of closeness in intimacy, it requires that we become vulnerable with our partner. Intimacy is something that can always become better through time and through openness in communicating our needs. One of the most important ways to continually build a healthy and intimate relationship is to make sure other aspects of the relationship are in prime conditions too, especially our emotional closeness to our spouse.
Emotional Closeness
There are times in marriage when you will begin to feel distant from your spouse. You may feel there is hardly any time for the two of you to be together as life has begun to pick up pace and become busy. Emotional closeness will fade if you and your partner can’t dedicate specific time to spend with each other. As emotional closeness fades, more problems in your marriage, including areas of intimacy, will be affected (Ferguson, n.d.).
To rebuild that deeper emotional connection, you have to be engaging in quality time together, and that quality time needs to happen consistently and often (Ferguson, n.d.). Take some time to think about how you can bond more with your spouse and regain that emotional connectedness that you once had. It doesn’t have to be gone forever.
Couples will vary with how much time they need to spend together in order to build back up that emotional closeness (Ferguson, n.d.). One partner may need more time together while the other partner may need less time to rekindle the emotional connection (Ferguson, n.d.). Work together, and consistently, to rebuild that connection between the two of you.
Emotional closeness can help us deepen that love and connection to our partner (marriage.com, 2019). The growth of emotional closeness is what helps define a mature and healthy intimate connection (marriage.com, 2019). In order to grow an emotional bond, you are going to need three things:
1.Exposure
Share your most vulnerable moments with your spouse in order to grow your emotional closeness.
2.Trust
If you are to get closer as a couple, you must be willing to open up and trust your spouse to be able to break through limitations in your relationship.
3.Communication
Be there for your spouse when they talk to you! Get rid of the distractions (TV, cell phones, etc.), and give them your complete focus as you have a sincere discussion (marriage.com, 2019).
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To grow in emotional closeness, we also suggest having a
Weekly date night! Maybe you remember this tip from lesson 3. We reiterate it here because it builds emotional security and helps couples grow closer. If you are looking for opportunities to build up emotional closeness, date nights are the way to go. We’ve created a printable with a few date ideas! Check it out!
If you are looking for another way to come closer to your spouse emotionally, then we highly suggest taking the Five Love Languages Quiz. It will tell you the order of your love languages and help you and your partner gain a better understanding of how to express love to each other to continue to grow your bond. The link can be found below.
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To learn more about how to have a better connection as a couple you may also choose to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Intimacy is a big part of marriage. It takes time to truly get on the same page and stay on the same page. Emotional closeness is one important way to be able to bond and continue to grow and strengthen your relationship in general, and your intimacy in marriage.
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We have thoroughly enjoyed preparing all the lessons and curriculum for you. Thank you so much for joining us! We wish you all the success & happiness marriage has to offer! Love, Caitlyn & Megan
IMPORTANT: In order for us to further improve our lessons we would love your feedback. Please follow this link and complete this short assessment on the lesson. We would love your help! Thank you!
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References
Borreli, L. (2017, August 15). The Truth About How Much Sex You Should Be Having. Retrieved from https://www.medicaldaily.com/am-i-normal-average-sex-frequency-week-linked-age-421328
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Cordova, J. V., Gee, C. B., & Warren, L. Z. (2005). Emoional skillfulness in marriage: intimacy as a mediator of the relationship between emotional skillfulness and marital satisfaction. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(2), 218-235. doi:http://dx.doi.org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1521/jscp.24.2.218.62270
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Emotional vs Physical Intimacy: Why We Need Both. (2019, January 18). Retrieved from https://www.marriage.com/advice/intimacy/emotional-vs-physical-intimacy/
Ferguson, P. L. (n.d.). The Most Important Tool For Restoring Emotional Intimacy to Your Marriage. Retrieved from https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/the-most-important-tool-for-restoring-emotional-intimacy-to-your-marriage/
Johnson, S. (2019, January 17). What does the sex recession tell us about today’s sexual landscape and emotional isolation? [Blog post]. Retrieved from http://www.drsuejohnson.com/relationships/what-does-the-sex-recession-tell-us-about- todays-sexual-landscape-and-emotional-isolation/
Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (1995). The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability: A review of theory, methods, and research. Psychological Bulletin, 118(1), 3-34. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.118.1.3
Štulhofer, A., Ferreira, L. C., & Landripet, I. (2014). Emotional intimacy, sexual desire, and sexual satisfaction among partnered heterosexual men. Sexual & Relationship Therapy, 29(2), 229-244. doi:10.1080/14681994.2013.870335
Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.7510720