MARRIED ON PURPOSE
EXPECTATIONS
​
What happens after the bells ring
and you ride off into the sunset
on your wedding day?
What happens after the movie ends
and the credits begin to role?
Going into marriage, everyone has different ideas and expectations of what it will be like.
This is normal!
We expect a lot out of our partners and ourselves. Most people believe that marriage will resolve problems. Marriage means, “I’ll no longer feel lonely” and, “I’ll have someone totally committed to me.” Expectations are good. They define what we want and what we think about marriage. The problems come when expectations are unrealistic,
or different from our spouses.
Independence & Marriage
​
When it comes to expectations, sometimes couples struggle with finding a healthy balance between independence as individuals and becoming closer as a couple. In most relationships, there is usually one partner that is more independent than the other. Sometimes the partner who is more independent may feel controlled by the partner who expects more connectedness (Eidelson, 1983). Being connected to your spouse and being independent are both critical aspects of a healthy marriage.
Getting married does not take away your independence, but you do have to learn how to be accountable to more than just yourself. Marriage is a partnership. This partnership is comprised of two individuals trying to learn how to find a balance between each other. Each person in a marriage is separate and important. Equality in the marriage partnership comes from having a long-term perspective and couple goals (Sabatelli and Cecil-Pigo 1985).
Our ideas about what marriage “should” be can hurt our real-life marriage. One study highlighted how couples who enter marriage with more consistent, realistic expectations adjust better to married life (Hall & Adams, 2011). We cannot anticipate all the changes that happen as a result of marriage. Inconsistencies are bound to happen. But the more realistic your expectations, the more likely you will transition easily into this new stage in your life.
Watch this video to get a visual of what independence in marriage could look like.
Sometimes we get swept up in the marriage identity. When this happens, we don’t think or talk about our own needs because that would be selfish (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p72). But advocating for personal needs leads to a greater sense of intimacy (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p111. Miller, 2011). This kind of marriage is like music. Both are playing different harmonies and using different instruments. But both are focused on the same goal: to work and create something beautiful together (Fierce Marriage 2014). This harmonizing only comes when each person is responsible for their own lives and their own happiness (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p73).
Read Caitlyn's
Story
Caitlyn's story:
"When my husband and I first got married I thought that since we were both students, we would mainly do classes, then come home and spend most of the day together doing homework and talking. My views were quickly changed when my husband started working full-time as well as doing school. When we were engaged he was only working part-time, so we would spend a lot of our time together during the day. I wasn’t used to him getting home after five or six in the evening and then doing a lot of homework. Sometimes he would even want to hang out with friends, and I honestly thought he would only want to spend time with me.
This was not what I had expected our first year of marriage to be like; it honestly took me by surprise. But he had an understanding that he needed to take on more responsibilities to provide while we both were in school. We also spent plenty of time together and we needed some time apart to be our own selves. We both had different views and expectations of what marriage would be like, and they clashed at first."
Getting hit with a reality-check is one way to adjust expectations. But it’s not a very fun way. A better way to adjust expectations is to establish them before they become a problem.
As a couple, sit down and talk about what you expect in marriage when it comes to your independence and learning how to become interdependent as a couple. First, talk about what you need individually. Then that understanding can help establish how to come together as a couple. Establishing realistic expectations requires self-awareness. Try answering these questions. Then have your spouse answer them.
1. What is important to me?
2. What is important to my spouse?
3. What is important to us
as a couple?
For this lesson, there is a printable to help start the conversation! Print a copy for you and your partner. Spend time talking about your answers. Communicate what you want for yourself and then come together to establish what’s important as a couple. Remember that this balance of harmonies only comes when you practice your part and speak up for what you think is important (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, ch4). This will help create a truly mutual, goal-oriented relationship.
Think back to Caitlyn's experience and
read the conclusion to her story
"I thought that my spouse would spend basically all of his free time with me, but he had different expectations of what marriage would be like. I readjusted my expectations to fit the reality of the situation. It took some time, but I had to learn to become more independent. No worries, we still spend plenty of time together, and we are fine not always being around each other, but we are
much more understanding of what each partner needs."
How could that misunderstanding in the beginning of the story been
prevented? Have you ever experienced a situation like this? In marriage, unmet expectations can lead to misunderstandings and resentment. But we don’t
have to let unrealistic or unmet expectations hold us back from adjusting well to married life.
Having realistic expectations can protect you from harsh reality checks. Balancing your individual desires with your couple goals through healthy boundaries leads to greater intimacy and closeness in relationships (Miller, 2011). We hope this lesson helped set the stage for a successful and happy transition
into married life!
Important: In order for us to further improve our lessons we would love your feedback. Please click HERE to complete a short assessment on the lesson. We would love your help! Thank you, and see you next week!
References
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life. Ebook edition. Grand Rapids, Michigan. Zondervan Publishing.
Eidelson, R. J. (1983). Affiliation and independence issues in marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 45(3), 683. doi:10.2307/351674
Emery, M. [MaeDae]. (2014, July 5). The missing piece meets the big O [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af-jZUR3ua0
Fierce Marriage. (2014, March 5). Finances in marriage: 7 principles every couple should consider. [Pinterest post]. Retrieved February 6, 2019, from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/661184789019116361/
Hall, S. S., & Adams, R. (2011). Newlyweds' unexpected adjustments to marriage. Family & Consumer Sciences Research Journal, 39(4), 375. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edb&AN=66596102&site=eds-live
johnnypoo16. (2007, November 16). Cinderella Ending [Video file]. Retrieved from www.youtube.com/watch?v=Unx5x-XT3jw.
Miller, A. (2011). Instructor’s Manual for Salvador Minuchin on Family Therapy with Salvador
Minuchin, MD, and Jay Lappin, LCSW. Retrieved from https://www.psychotherapy.net/data/uploads/5113e45715ce5.pdf
Riot, Book. (2015, February 11). 5 Kids' Books That Make Great Valentines [Pinterest post]. Retrieved February 8, 2019, from www.pinterest.com/pin/138415388526032620/?lp=true.
Sabatelli, R. M., & Cecil, E. F. (1985). Relational interdependence and commitment in marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 47(4), 931. doi:10.2307/352336